The (Style) Invitational (as of 2026/04/09)

[Background.]

Because the NRARS site is a bit unwieldy to navigate for this purpose, and I’m not about to try to pull archive.org links to every past piece of Ink from the Washington Post and/or the current Substack, this is – as of the date in the title – the Ink I’ve gotten, in reverse chronological order.

(With, I think, one exception [which I stetted here because I think it’s funnier this way and it doesn’t bother me if people miss the reference — which is a good opportunity to point out that a lot of the references in these jokes are quite topical and/or inside the Beltway] the below are as they appeared in print/online, rather than my original submissions. The Empress (Pat Myers) is an experienced and exceptionally skilled copy editor. You should trust copy editors.)

{Correction: two exceptions, the second one being that I’d misspelled the first name of a cat’s namesake, Tenzing Norgay, which — being a proper name, and foreign — slipped through.}

The Invitational Week 1687 / 169: Hey, Baby, Wanna See My Ink?

Make up a comically ineffective pickup line.

“A friend of mine, an Arab woman who wears a hijab, was on the London Underground when a skinhead — studded leather jacket, neo-Nazi tats, Doc Martens, the works — sat down next to her and opened with ‘You know, I hate the Jews, too.’ ” (Technically an anecdote, rather than a joke, but it got a special shout-out from the Czar & Empress.)

“Good to meet you. I bet you’re tired, because I’ve noticed you’ve been running errands all day — yoga, Starbucks, the Whole Foods on 16th and Elm, your gynecologist Dr. Elbert on the third floor of the Clancy Center, and that was just before lunch!” (Second runner-up)

“If I said you had a sexy body, would you hold this backpack for me while we go through security?” (Honorable mention)

“Baby, you’re making my pants stand up and Sieg Heil.” (Honorable mention)

“Your Honor, how about we discuss my sentencing over a nice glass of chianti?” (Honorable mention)

“I’d love to treat you to a candlelit dinner at the finest restaurant that’s more than a thousand feet from the nearest elementary school.” (Honorable mention)

The Style Invitational Week 1518: The Final Edition

Some all-time favorite entries.

“Truck nuts for tricycles.” (Clown Head) (Technically not an ‘entry’ for Week 1518 — since 2020, the Clowning Achievement was awarded as a clown-doll’s head stick-mounted on a small plaque [with small flags awarded for subsequent Achievements, a la oak leaf clusters], a number of which were left over when the Washington Post shuttered the feature. This week included a special contest to suggest a use for the leftover heads, with said heads handed out to the winners.)

Week 1509: MASH MASH: Combine 2 One-Word Movies

Combine two single-word movie titles to make a new movie and describe it.

Spartacus? Nope!: One Thracian rebel missed the memo, and lived happily ever after. (Honorable mention)

Week 1501: Try a Little ‘Kindness’

Tell about an “act of kindness” that you or someone else does that, well, won’t be appreciated.

As a police officer, I recognize that we’re all too often seen as the “bad guys.” That’s why I make a point of pulling drivers over on the road just to introduce myself. (Honorable mention)

Week 1500: These Go to 15

Make up a word or phrase whose Scrabble letter values add up to exactly 15 (no blanks!) and define it.

EMPRESSARIO: The manager of a company of clowns. (And Last)

Week 1499: Picture This, a Cartoon Caption Contest

Write a caption, either descriptive or in dialogue, for any of the provided cartoons.

Week 1494: Put it in Bee-Verse

Write a humorous poem of eight lines or fewer that includes at least one of the words used in Round 4 or later of this year’s bee; OR: write a joke in Q&A form that uses at least one of the words.

“Favicon”, an icon associated with a certain website

(After “The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats)
Swiping and swiping on my doom-scrolling feed…
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity…
A favicon with bird body and the hue of the sky
Is spreading its slow lies, while all about it
Retweet quotes of their indignant followers…
And what rough hashtag, its hour come round at last
Slouches towards Buzzfeed to be born?
(Honorable mention)

“Rumbustical”, boisterous and unruly

Rumbustical, the white men roared, and flowed
around the barricades, and beat the cops,
backing the blue against the walls, to goad
Congress to stop the “steal,” pull out the stops,
throw out the votes, bend knees, bow down to force:
“legitimate political discourse.”
(Honorable mention)

Week 1492: Set Us Right — Conservative Humor

Send us conservative-leaning humor in a Q&A joke format or a knock-knock joke.

How can you tell someone from Texas is a liberal? Because they’re from Texas. (Honorable mention)

Week 1491: The Add Biz

Choose any word, name or phrase beginning with A through E, then add any single letter of the alphabet to it — one or more times — and define the result or show how it would be used.

Abiden: Waiting patiently for the other party to come to the table in good faith. (Honorable mention)

Week 1489: Let’s Movie Things Around

Rearrange the words of a movie title to create a new movie, then describe it.

Right, Do the Thing …: An absent-minded yes-man tries vainly to fulfill his boss’s order … whatever it was … (Clowning Achievement) (Due credit to Costanza…)

Week 1485: Switchcraft — Transpose Two Letters in a Word

Switch the positions of two letters within a word, name, title or phrase, then describe the result.

RUBBISH > BURBISH: The faintest possible praise for a housing development. (Honorable mention)

COLLATERAL DAMAGE > LOLCATERAL DAMAGE: “Getting a video of Tenzing jumping onto my face was definitely worth the lolcateral damage.” (Honorable mention)

Week 1482: The Tile Invitational IX

Rearrange the letters of any of the letter sets provided to create a new term, then define or describe; you may use all seven letters, but also just six or five.

AAEKMRR > KRAMERA: A recording device present at just the right moment to end a career. (Honorable mention)

Week 1481: Mess With Our Heads

Reinterpret some actual headline (or a major part of it), from any publication, print or online.

RUSSIANS POSSIBLY SICK: ‘Ya think?’ says head of cancer ward at Mariupol Children’s Hospital (Honorable mention) (The original headline referred to reports of Russian soldiers falling ill after digging foxholes and trenches in the Red Forest, because apparently they hadn’t been told anything about, ya know… Chornobyl, which — although not a ‘joke’ — is I think about as [morbidly] humorous.)

Week 1480: Oh, You Don’t Really Mean That

“Define” inaccurately and humorously any of the provided words.

Stoach (to trample): Ryanair’s new ticket class where you can fly half-price by stuffing yourself into an overhead bin. (Honorable mention, shared with Ryan Martinez [ties can happen when two entries are sufficiently similar])

Week 1473: Sign Right Here

Write a funny message for the overhead highway sign.

WELCOME TO DC
IT’S BEEN: 416 DAYS
SINCE OUR LAST
COUP ATTEMPT
(Honorable mention)

Week 1468: The Year in Redo, Part 2

Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational contest from Week 1440 through 1464.

Killing Lincoln: The Case for Doing Away With Pennies (Honorable mention; Week 1453, change the meaning of a book title by adding a subtitle)

Week 1461: It’s the Eponymy, Stupid

Create an eponym — a word based on the name of a well-known person — define it, and perhaps use it in a humorous sentence.

McCarthyism: Blacklisting people who agree to appear before a House committee investigating un-American activities. (Clowning Achievement)

Fauci pas: The grave political sin of changing your position after learning something new. (Honorable mention)

Osteentation: The vulgar and pretentious display of God’s blessings. (Honorable mention)

Week 1455: Good Idea! Or Not

Cite a “good idea” and, with a small change of wording, a “bad idea”.

Good idea: Always handling guns like they’re loaded.
Bad idea: Always handling guns like you’re loaded.
(Honorable mention, First Offender)